Saturday, August 29, 2009

As Anton Ego states in Ratatouille, "negative criticism... is fun to write and to read." So, in that spirit, I now present a collection of links to:

Sombrero Grande's Harshest Reviews

Sometimes being a movie reviewer has its perks, in that when a truly awful film steals away two hours of your life you'll never get back, insults and infuriates you, molests your senses and sensibilities, a reviewer mercifully has the means with which to tear the film and filmmakers "a new one" in return.

I now present some prime examples of exactly that. Click on the link for the full text of each review, but I've included a snippet of each on this page for your browsing pleasure.

200 Cigarettes -- "The writing is devoid of the slightest whiff of anything clever, let alone interesting. The directing is sub-par… almost failing-film-student bad..."

Brother Bear -- "I never thought I’d find myself saying this, but maybe it IS time to close down Disney’s animation division."

The Cooler -- "The Cooler is so boring that by 2/3rds of the way through the film I started skipping ahead chapters on the DVD to move things along."

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid -- "I checked this movie out knowing that it came from some of the same people who worked on Martin’s quite funny The Jerk, but now I feel like a jerk for ever renting Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid."

Futurama: Bender's Game -- "Futurama, the series, was never given the chance to grow so old that it became as stagnant as The Simpsons has become, but Bender's Game fixes that."

Johnny English -- "Seriously, it feels like Little Billy took a break from writing Family Circus and decided to bang out a script in one afternoon."

Just Married -- "The story attempts to conjure up a 'honeymoon from Hell,' and yes, it’s awful. In fact it’s so bad that watching it is only, I’d imagine, slightly preferable to actually living it."

Kicking & Screaming -- "I won’t ever bother with a traditional spoiler warning here, as the film’s final plot points don’t deserve even that modicum of dignifying."

The Last Shot -- "To say these actors 'phoned in' their performances here just doesn’t cut it. More like, 'had their assistants turn on the speaker phone while they mumbled something from the bathroom while taking a crap' is more like it."

Panic Room -- "...the occasional attempts at comic relief were so unfunny that I found myself preferring the moments of sloppy, forced tension."

Poseidon -- "Ultimately, Poseidon is not a film I’d recommend anyone planning a getaway cruise should see. Fortunately for them, it’s not a film I’d recommend anyone else see either."

The Rocker -- "Imagine yourself stuck in an elevator for 102 minutes, listening to incompetently arranged muzak, the smell of a lingering fart hanging in the air, and someone has just punched you in the balls for no apparent reason. Congratulations. You've just experienced The Rocker."

RV -- "RV is a 98-minute string of poop references. I could call them poop 'jokes' but... there’s nothing funny in this movie and jokes are, well, usually funny."

Shark Tale -- "Ben Franklin wrote that, 'fish and visitors smell in three days.' Well, it’s opening night, and this “Shark” is already a bit stinky."

Superhero Movie -- "...with great ineptitude comes great suffering."

Superstar -- "Bruce McCulloch may have been occasionally funny as a member of The Kids in the Hall, but as a director he’s a completely inept cretin."

Thrill Ride: The Science of Fun -- "I can't even figure out who this wreck would appeal to."

Tortilla Heaven -- "The film not only insults the intelligence of the audience every step of the way (even the revealing of Jesus’ image in the tortilla is intercut with shots of a painting of Jesus--I guess the filmmakers thought we could use some help figuring out who’s face that was), but the sheer stupidity of the words uttered by the characters belies some sort of enraged hatred towards them..."

Wake Up, Ron Burgundy -- "...a steaming, festering pile of unfunny crap.'"

And now as a special bonus, now that we're all in a negative mood, here's a link to my 2005 rant about why seeing a movie in the theater nowadays sucks, which is still as relevant, if not more so, now than ever.

Sombrero Grande out.


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